Checks and Balances

Harper is two weeks old today, making it the right time to look back on our first 14 days in office.

What I Overestimated

— My feelings toward my body after baby. A lot of weight seems to be gone, and I just don't give a shit about the rest. And the skin on my stomach did not morph into a nice jolly pannis as I had feared. However, all of my pre-Harper clothes are still in a box in the basement; I'm not really in the market for trying to squeeze myself into jeans that actually have zippers.

— Sleepless nights. I was already mourning the loss of sleep before Harper arrived, thanks to a bladder that just wouldn't quit. I probably sleep more now than before she was born. And the feeling of being able to empty a bladder after several hours ... well, that's just better than most things in life.

— Inability to feel motherly. Well, that was just stupid. Not that I'm running around in pearls and high heels, but having sticky baby poop on me is really no big deal.

— Nursing. Not nearly as horrific as all the books would make you think. If you've gone through labor, then having a little toothless barracuda hanging on your nipple is nothing.

— Missing going to work every day. Yeah, whatever. I'm already dreading October.

What I Underestimated

— Bodily fluids. We went through four onesies last night. If she's feeling up to it, Harper can puke like a sorority girl during rush week. And the poo; dear God, the poo. So. much. poo. And we won't go into breastmilk and what can happen when one falls asleep while breastfeeding.

— My stomach. The complete numbness around the incision and its general gelatinousness caught me by surprise. Oh, and the fact that my stomach muscles separated in the middle and you can feel my soft, soft innards through abdominal wall.

— The fear. What if she gets sick? What if she stops breathing? What if I go crazy because I have to check every five minutes to see if she's still breathing? What if she brings home an asshole boyfriend with a moped and he breaks her heart? What if she ends up hating me because I won't let her leave the house in that outfit? What if, what if, what if...

— The hormones. It's amazing what a placenta can do for you over the course of nine months, and what can happen to you when it's abruptly removed.

— The love. She pukes and poos and burps and farts like a Belushi brother, and I don't think I have ever loved anyone as much as I love her.