It probably goes without saying that even the most mundane activities have taken on something of a Formula 1 character around here since Dec. 20. Finding the best time to shower isn't usually that difficult — nurse, hand off to Dad, shower. But the different levels of personal hygiene that can be performed during this time ... that's all up to Harper. Sometimes having a stomach full of milk isn't enough to keep her happy. Sometimes she has to have an emergency nipple nearby to rest assured that should she GET CRAZY FUCKING HUNGRY RIGHT NOOOOOOW DAAAAAMN YOU AAAAALLLLLL, she would have quick access to the McBoob drive-thru.Because I have crazy Weird Al Yankovic hair that is also suffering from the rapid drop of hormones since our placenta went away, shampooing, conditioning, removal of matted up hair and rinsing takes up most of the alloted shower time. So, as I'm struggling to comb through the mess that is my hair, I'll shout to Björn, "What's our meltdown potential?" If it's negative, then maybe I'll dare to shave a leg or two. The real life-or-death questions arise when we get a red alert as I'm getting out of the shower. Should I smear myself up with that skin-toning lotion I've been using in lieu of actual exercise OR apply moisturizer to my rapidly aging face? Because there's sure as hell no time for both because HARPER IS TOTALLY JONESING FOR SOME BOOB YOOOU PEOOOPLE! YOU CALL YOURSELVES GOOOOD PAAAAAAARENTS? FUUUCK YOOOOOOOU! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
Before Harper showed up on the scene, I never understood the lamentations of new mothers about how they never had time to shower. Externally, I feigned sympathy. On the inside, I was all like, "Christ. Get yourself a bottle of two-in-one shampoo and let the little poo factory cry for a few minutes. She can tell Dr. Phil all about it when she's 30." But now that I've got a little poo factory of my own, I know that there is no way I can let her cry. Not even for a few seconds. It's literally heartbreaking (although you may be asking yourself how it is that we have pictures of her crying if that is the case. Trust me, the picture taking always starts before a meltdown.)!
So it has come to this: Occasional jumping out of the shower mid-sud, mid-shave and/or mid-rinse. All for a 9.5 pound not-so-weakling. It only seems fair, since she does own all rights and privileges my chest now.
6 comments:
Ha. We have similar situations here in NYC. It's getting better, for sure - but I still can't bear to hear her cry. I've had numerous people tell me I need to learn to listen to it but they can ALL SUCK IT.
So I have hairy legs. My boobs are ginormous - that evens it all out, right? ;)
Ok, you don't need to worry about your face yet- you're barely out of your 20's- and it's winter, so you can forgo the legs until they actually start to offend you, therefore, just concentrate on the lotion.
But please oh please promise that you'll stop responding to the cry for breastfeeding (at least in public) when she can eat a normal meal on her own. I'm still traumatized by the memory of a dinner party where one of the other guests started breast feeding her kid (who I'm guessing was at least in nursery school and who had just eaten a full, spicy Mexican meal with the rest of the adults- and I am NOT exaggerating)as we were sitting around, trying out the after dinner getting-to-know-you conversation.
And just so it's not misconstrued, I'm not saying that breastfeeding or giving into a crying infant is wrong- I'm saying that breastfeeding a crying child- child- in front of a group of people that you are meeting for the first time is wrong. And I stand by that.
In the immortal words of Stephanie Tanner: How rude! And she didn't offer anyone else any?
I kid, I kid. I saw something on TV about a mom nursing an 8 year old. They were British, so I guess that explains it all.
P.S.: Expect a few hired goons from the La Leche League to show up at your door .... now. ;)
And Misty, who the hell is giving you advice like that? They can so suck it, big time. And yes, big boobies means you never have to shave again.
pmsl at "And she didn't offer anyone else any?"
Please don't tell La Leche on me. They terrify me.
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