Dear Harper: Month One

Dear Harper, or should I say Crack Baby, your nickname of the month?

You've been out of the womb for one month today, and it seems like forever ago and just yesterday. Your father and I have learned a lot about babies, their bodily fluids and their ever-changing sleeping habits over the last 30 days. We spent the first two weeks looking at you, then looking at each other and saying, "Wow. There's a baby laying on our couch. And it's ours." Now that I think about it, it's amazing how hard it is to get a drivers' license here in Germany, but how easy it is to make an entire person and take them home after a mere three-and-a-half days in the hospital. But we seem to be getting along fine so far, aside from me probably having more meltdowns than you.

You're already making strides towards becoming a baby who will maybe someday become less grumpy and more ... oh, I don't know ... cheerful. We give you all the love we have, plus some more that we stole from the alcoholics who live across the street, and sometimes you just look at us as if to say, "What the fuck, people?" You are not a screamer, and we are forever grateful for that, because I think I would have to either cut off my ears or start putting vodka or isopropyl alcohol into my morning coffee. You're more of a complainer, and you're taking this to new heights this week, using most of the hours that you're awake (and these are becoming more and more) to let us know just what you don't like. Well, kind of. The problem is, having you here is kind of like having a foreign exchange student: We don't really know what the hell you're saying, so we do a lot of polite nodding.

We know that you do like the sound of a hair dryer, so your father was nice enough to burn a CD with all of your favorite hits from the Household Appliance Hit Parade. And when you're really letting the Crack Baby in you hang all out, then it's usually easy to get you to sleep with some good swaddling (Sara and Casey, the SwaddleMe has been a sanity saver. As thanks, we'll send you our second born), rocking and your favorite CD. After you spent the hours between four and seven this morning simultaneously kicking me in the stomach and punching me in the tits, I was able to use this technique to put you in a baby coma so I could write this in peace:

And today is special for another reason. Barack Obama will be sworn in as 44th president of the United States, the first black man to hold this office and the reason for all of us Americans who have spent the last eight years hanging our collective heads in shame to have hope in our country. I hope this is really the dawn of a new era, where all you little babies can grow up without making a difference between black or white, gay or straight, Muslim or Christian, and so on, and so forth.

Love,
Muddi

This month's nicknames: Crack Baby, Ee Eww, Eff Eff, Piggly Wiggly

This month's song: Waiting on the World to Change by John Mayer