Teutonic Tuesday — The Other Mothers in Our Neighborhood

We live a few blocks away from where the cool part of Frankfurt starts, full of young families like us, with lots of cafes and the like. Where we live (between those who drink fine-aged wines out of crystal glasses and those who drink theirs directly out of the carton), we can watch the rich enjoy formally stiff barbecue evenings with their acquaintances from our balcony, which is where we're usually sitting with a beer in hand and our feet in a kiddie pool. Long story short: We don't fit in with the rest of the people in our neighborhood.

When we visited the nearby park the other day with kind-of friends of ours (that's just a whole other story), it was eye-candy galore for people like me, who can't get enough of watching women with too much time, money and Glamour magazines on their hands. To help put things into perspective, please take note:


Brandi, with kid, ready to go to the park. Brandi's sassy hairdo says, "Hey, World, look at me! I don't have time to wash my hair, but when I do, bushels of it fall out. And I don't give a fuck." Her shorts (not in photo) have been her constant companion during this week of unseasonably warm weather; they used to belong to her husband, because Brandi still can't fit into her own summer apparel. Also not in the photo are the various melted chocolate stains on her clothes, none of which are from this season — or any season, for that matter.

Posh, standing in for all of the goddamn mothers in the Holzhausen Park in Frankfurt.

Yes, folks, the mothers in our neighborhood style themselves the fuck up before they take their equally styled kids to the park. Hot right now? Skinny jeans, long and snug-fitting tops and Chucks. Yes, Chucks. Because nothing screams, "I AM STILL YOUNG AND VIBRANT AND I ONCE LISTENED TO A SEX PISTOLS SONG" more than a 40-year-old woman wearing designer Chucks. It's insane, y'all, and next time I will be taking pictures.

Yesterday was our next encounter with Frankfurt's finest women-who-are-married-to-really-rich-men-and-have-nothing-to-do-all-day-except-act-like-they're-really-important. Harper had a check-up at the pediatrician's, which is also not too far from the Holzhausen Park. Of course, the ladies couldn't show up in their casual park attire. The trend this spring in doctors' offices is all about riding boots, chunky George, Gina and Lucy bags and huffiness. Another long story short: Björn and I did our best to be extra nice to the staff, because they sure as hell weren't getting it anywhere else.

I do love Germany, and I have to say that the other mothers I hang out with are delightfully normal and as unmade-up as me. But it all also makes me miss Kansas so much, because I don't think so many prissy-ass snotty bitches live in that whole state as do here in my neighborhood.